


things that no one knows

by fromthefarshore



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 04:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2799926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefarshore/pseuds/fromthefarshore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone thinks that it's Kuroo who always helps Kenma, but no one really knows that quite often it's the other way round.</p>
            </blockquote>





	things that no one knows

Kuroo waits until everyone leaves, a wide grin plastered across his face just the way he likes it. He lets himself sigh when the door to the gym closes, then takes a deep breath, turning around. Kenma is already standing right in front of him, his small hands reaching for Kuroo. He grabs Kuroo's sweatshirt edge because that's all Kenma can offer for his friend, but Kuroo's happy even with only that. He lowers his head, his fingers finding their way around Kenma's wrists, touching the soft skin there and only then moving to intertwine with slim fingers. It feels a bit like playing with cat's tail, trying to fit it between your fingers. And even though you're not sure if that's how it works, the feeling is still nice and you try it over and over again, letting the warm touch calm you down.

Everyone thinks that Kenma doesn't like physical contact, but here he is, curling his fingers to gently brush the back of Kuroo's palm with his nails, like a little kitten who doesn't really know how everything works yet. Kenma never initiates it, but the boy has nothing against it, and Kuroo knows it. Kenma's simply afraid to take the first step, but that's what Kuroo's for.

There're also many other things that no one knows. But that's better this way, Kuroo bites his lip and nods slightly as if trying to tell himself that everything's okay.

"You're overdoing it," Kenma says calmly as if he's reading Kuroo's mind, his cattish eyes travelling from their entwined fingers to Kuroo's face. The dark haired boy smiles, "I'm okay."

"You're not," Kenma gives him a look, but Kuroo's smile just gets wider. "And you don't have to smile in front of me."

Kuroo stops counting in his head when he reaches seventy three, and lets go of Kenma's hands.

"I'm just slightly stressed, 'kay?" Kuroo admits because there's no point in trying to hide it from Kenma and turns around, "And you're the only person I really want to smile for. Let's go."

"You added three more seconds this time," Kenma mutters, looking at his fingers, then slowly shoves his hands in the pockets. Kuroo turns around to face him, that stupid grin on his face again.

"I'm always adding some seconds to make you get used to it," he winks and comes closer, gently messing up Kenma's hair before he heads to locker room.

"It used to be two all the other times," Kenma says more to himself, biting his lip. And when he looks at Kuroo's stiff shoulders, he knows that those extra seconds for physical contact are not to make Kenma get used to it. They are for Kuroo himself.

-

Next time it gets to seventy seven, and Kenma starts worrying.

-

Kuroo doesn't voice out what's wrong and Kenma doesn't want to say it to his face as if showing that he knows, he gets it. It feels wrong, it feels like Kenma would just make Kuroo look like he can't realise it himself, so the younger boy doesn't do anything too unnatural. He lets Kuroo sit on his desk, listening to his exaggerated whining about application forms for universities and how he doesn't have time, and homework is killing him. All told with a grin on his face as if nothing's really too bad.

But Kuroo's not going to sit here in a year. Kuroo's not going to stick a pocky into Kenma's mouth when his classmates exchange glares, muttering how these two even get together. Kuroo's not going to brush Kenma's hair before hopping off the table and lazily going to his classroom when the bell rings. Kenma knows it and he also knows that Kuroo's thinking about it every single day. And it's making him sad, school days without Kuroo sound like a game console without charger. If it disappears, there's nothing that would keep you going.

Kenma looks at Kuroo's back again and sighs to himself. It's hard, thinking about being separated, about being not together, and he wants to tell Kuroo that they'll be alright, they'll manage. But he can't make himself voice out these words, at least not yet. Because it would be unfair. Because he's not the one who leaves the other behind.

-

"Because I like him," Kuroo laughs honestly when his classmate asks why does he bother being with Kenma all the time. She looks at him as if expecting something, just the way all girls do before they confess to him, and even though Kuroo knows exactly what she wants, he pretends he doesn't, giving her a grin followed by raised eyebrows. But it seems that the girl looks through him or maybe he's not that good at pretending anymore, as she crosses her arms over the chest, glaring.

"You're not actually _together_ , are you?"

"Who knows?" Kuroo laughs loudly, shrugging his shoulders. The girl sighs heavily and leaves him, missing the slight twitch in his fake smirk and the way his shoulders get stiff. He doesn't look like a proud cat how people usually see him, now he's more of a shivering domesticated one that was thrown out onto streets after years of life with having someone around.

He lets himself skip next period and goes on the roof, slowly counting to eighty nine and back again to zero, his mind travelling in time, lost in memories with the younger boy who happened to live next door.

-

"Hey, Kenma," Kuroo clears his throat when they're holding hands again while sitting on the floor in Kenma's room. The shorter boy looks up, waiting for more, as he's already noticed that there was something new on Kuroo's mind. "Are we, um," he bites his lip, hesitating a bit, "A...thing?"

Kenma takes a deep breath as he knows his answer is not going to help Kuroo, but he can't just make a choice himself. They're not, but at the same time they are. They're somewhere on the line, taking step by step and waiting on which side they're going to end up. Or like a ball balancing on top of the net, deciding where to fall. And no one really knows where it'll land this time.

"I don't know," he finally says, tightening the grip around Kuroo's fingers. He tries to think about what he wants and carefully leans just a bit closer to Kuroo, thinking if he should just rest his head against Kuroo's shoulder or shift his body and attempt to half hug the dark haired boy. His heart starts beating a bit faster and he knows he'd like to do that, but he's thinking too much as if trying to warn himself that such a choice might be dangerous, that it'll give ideas to Kuroo, and he's not sure it's alright.

Kuroo nods slowly in acknowledgement, and Kenma loses any chance to close the distance between them when fourteen seconds pass and Kuroo lets go of Kenma's hands on the count of seventy seven, standing up.

He looks into Kenma's eyes and smiles weakly, "Right. I'm gonna get some drinks."

He leaves just like this and deep inside Kenma feels a bit betrayed. He stands up himself and goes to take his game from the desk. He holds it for a moment, but doesn't turn it on, and puts it back instead. He's too occupied with thinking about Kuroo, and he's been doing that so much lately that sometimes he doesn't even need to charge his game in the evening. It seems to be this kind of a day again, so he shakes his head a bit to make it clearer and goes to crawl on the bed, hugging his knees while he waits for Kuroo to come back.

He wonders if anything would have changed if he simply said yes. Or if he said no. Maybe it'd be easier for Kuroo to let go of everything and move on, but maybe it'd hurt him so much he wouldn't even _want_ to move on. Maybe he'd become so happy and believe that everything's going to be fine because they have that special bond and there's always something holding them together. But maybe it'd be even harder to leave, even though all that's going to separate them when the night comes and they're both back home is less than three-minute walk.

When Kuroo opens the door, he's smiling widely, and all Kenma wants at this moment is for that smile to be hundred percent true.

-

Kuroo crumples another paper and throws it to the direction of the rubbish bin, completely missing it. He runs his hand through his hair that suddenly annoys him so much he just wants to rip them all off. He's not even twenty yet, so why does he have to make life choices now. He doesn't know what he wants for dinner tonight, so how can he know what he will want to do in five, ten, twenty years.

He feels like mess and here come the thoughts that Kenma is not going to be close by all the time, that _he_ 's going to leave Kenma behind, that Kenma will be alone and he won't be able to do a thing about it. Kuroo goes to his bed and lays there stomach down, slowly breathing with his nose deep into blankets until it gets too hard and too hot to inhale. He rolls on the side and fishes his phone out of the pocket. His finger moves without thinking and in a few seconds he's trying if he can pull out a smile to make his voice sound more cheerful, but it doesn't work, so he gives up.

"Yes?" He hears Kenma's tiny voice and sighs, already feeling guilty for bothering the boy with his own problems. But he just needs to hear that calming voice that sounds like it's going to be there forever, talking to him without any hurry like he's the only important thing at the moment. He closes his eyes because somehow it makes it easier to let his concerns out after holding everything inside for far too long.

"Kenma, what do I do with my life?"

The younger boy thinks for a while, then says slowly, "Can I come over?"

-

The thing is, that everyone thinks Kenma doesn't like physical contact, but that's not true. He doesn't like long hugs or holding hands in public for everyone to see like Hinata does, but he's got his own warm side. And Kuroo thinks that it's even better.

It took him some time to realise that Kenma prefers short moments of affection, be it a hug that lasts just enough for their chests to touch, for their palms to brush each other's backs when they inhale that perfectly familiar smell and then pull away, locking their eyes in a silent 'thank you', or Kuroo's fingers gently running through his hair, causing pleasant shiver down Kenma's spine. Kenma also likes simplest of things such as sitting with their backs touching just a bit, and only from time to time leaning back to put his head on Kuroo's shoulder telling afterwards that it was only because he had something to ask. And Kuroo knows how Kenma's eyes glimmer when Kuroo gives him his jacket when he feels cold even though it's so warm outside that everyone's wearing only T-shirts, and how he likes giving Kuroo a high five that lasts a bit longer than it supposed to after a successful match.

Kuroo also knows that it takes eighty nine seconds for Kenma to start thinking too much and get uncomfortable when they're holding hands in silence. There was a game during one of the camps, the one where "the King" tells others what to do, and so it happened that number 6 and number 2 who had to hold hands for two minutes happened to be Kenma and Kuroo. He knows that Kenma likes it first forty six seconds, and then his fingers move a bit as if he's starting to think if they fit well enough between Kuroo's. He's okay for another nineteen seconds though, until it gets to sixty five and he gets frozen and starts glaring at their entwined fingers as if something's wrong. And in next twenty four seconds he's getting more and more nervous until his hands start trembling.

But it was the same Kenma who told him that holding hands might help. Apparently he heard it somewhere before and was willing to try it for Kuroo, so they started their short sessions that happened once a few days, when Kuroo felt like he needed it and Kenma didn't feel like backing off.  They agreed that either of them can break the contact whenever they want it, be it after five seconds or after seven minutes. Kuroo started with sixty two and he saw a little smile on Kenma's lips when he let go of his hands. There was no way that Kenma wouldn't understand Kuroo's way of thinking, but it seemed that it was a good choice for first time. He decided to move on slowly, adding two seconds every few times when he felt he needed more and Kenma was able to take it. He knew that the blond boy would never pull away himself, so he made a promise to himself that he's not going past eighty nine seconds, leaving this choice to Kenma.

"You simply live," Kenma mutters when Kuroo opens the door for him. He gets inside and carefully reaches for Kuroo's hand, stopping just a few millimetres from it, "Even if something happens," he lets Kuroo intertwine their fingers and the dark haired boy desperately tightens his grip, starting to count, "you can always start anew."

"Not always," Kuroo 's lips corners rise, but his smile breaks in a second and he looks away. He doesn't have to tell that he's talking about their relationship, he knows that Kenma already got it. And he feels stupid for thinking that things can change and guilty for convincing himself that Kenma's going to suffer if he leaves him when actually it's just Kuroo himself looking for reasons to explain his inner conflicts and concerns.

Kenma thinks for a moment, then lowers his head, "Kuroo, I..." he takes a deeper breath, letting his head touch Kuroo's chest and rest there, "can I kiss you?"

The count is seventy three and Kuroo's grip is getting loose on seventy four.

"Not...yet," Kenma mutters and their fingers intertwine once again, Kenma's hands starting to tremble slightly, but it's not the same as on that day during the camp, this time Kenma seems to be desperate to hold on and not let go.  A small smile tucks at Kuroo's lips and he takes Kenma's other hand too.

"Right," Kuroo's lips turn into a full smile and he bends down when Kenma pulls away just a bit, lifting his head.

It's Kuroo who kisses Kenma because it's too hard for the blond boy to take the first actual step. He continues counting to eighty five and eighty six or seven; he loses it the moment Kenma tiptoes a bit for their mouths to fit better against each other, his fingers still desperately clutching Kuroo's as if he never wants to let go.

And Kuroo feels like everything just goes away, all his worries vanish when the shorter boy presses his body against Kuroo's, muttering silently to Kuroo's chest that's he's going to be here.

-

Everyone thinks that it's Kuroo who always helps Kenma, but no one really knows that quite often it's the other way round. Everyone thinks that it's Kuroo's smile and friendly attitude that makes Kenma move forward, but truth to be told it's Kenma who makes Kuroo smile and want to be friendly in the first place. Everyone thinks that Kenma prefers to be alone, but that's because they don't know the side of Kenma that Kuroo gets to see.

There're also many other things that no one knows. But that's better this way, Kuroo smiles to himself, letting his hand stay in Kenma's hair for what feels like forever, pressing his mouth against those soft lips that part just a slightly bit to get some air before they kiss.

And Kuroo nods to himself in his mind as if ensuring himself that no one's leaving, that nothing's going to change, and it's okay. Everything's okay.

 


End file.
